Never date an Alabama girl


Photo: dani0010

She expects manners.

She will probably be disappointed if you don’t open the door for her, or if you don’t pull the chair out for her at the restaurant.

Her family is your family.

Her dad will make fun of your weak handshake at first, and he’ll threaten you with his shotgun, but once you’re in, you’re in. Her sister will talk about what your future kids will look like, and her mother will be planning the wedding that you may or may not ever have. Also, her family is loud, and they are guaranteed to be in your business.

She likes being outside.

She knows exactly why her state welcome sign says, ”Alabama the Beautiful,” and she can’t wait to show you. As you explore the waterfalls and caves in the backwoods, you will get muddy, you will get eaten alive by mosquitos, and you may sprain something. Just grab the bug spray and your health insurance card and you’ll be totally fine.

She likes to eat.

If you prefer that women modestly nibble on salads during your dates, just go back to the hell that you came from. She’s dipping her pizza in ranch dressing, and will still have room for chocolate lava cake for dessert.

She can take a shot better than you.

Her uncle taught her to take a shot with apple juice when she was seven, and she’s been drinking hard liquor since she was 15. She grew up on Aristocrat, because it was all she could afford, so don’t expect her to even flinch when she downs a double shot of just about anything.

She takes forever to get ready.

I mean, do you not want her to look her very best when you go out together? She’s going to step out of the house with an outfit fit for a supermodel, and hair that Carrie Underwood would be jealous of, and you’re going to forget all about that measly hour that you spent waiting for her.

She has road rage.

No, she can’t control it. #sorrynotsorry if it embarrasses you, but it was clearly her turn to go at that stop sign.

She responds to texts right away, and she insists that you do too.

It’s the courteous thing to do, after all. Don’t leave her wondering where you are, if you’re alive, or which hospital she should start calling. When she knows that you’re at home, you should also be responding quickly, because what else is more important?



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